Teenage anxiety is very common but that doesn't mean telling them it's ok to have anxiety and leaving them to suffer with it. When a teenager or any human being has anxiety, fear, panic, or any emotion that fits within this category, the best thing to do is help them understand the following points.
Let's break these down one at a time, and give you the tools to support them through this process...
Teenage anxiety in terms of emotions is the same as adult anxiety. It is a build up of fears and avoidances like worrying about being late for the bus or school. There are many things that to adults seem like a small concern, but to a child or teenager, these anxieties have built up over time due to negative experiences in the past - often repeatedly.
Anxiety is always about the future, from seconds ahead, to their whole life. Worrying that the teacher is walking in their direction, or that a parent is going to ask them to do chores - not in a requesting or respectful voice, but by demanding, shaming, or shouting.
Most teens hate being judged - at home, and in school - even if they don't say it. It is a persistently unpleasant feeling within the body, physically anticipating the next event. They worry about being judged for how they look, their body, their hair and their clothes. It makes them anxious about the things they say or their accent if they've moved location. Hormones, periods in girls, genital 'reactions' in boys, and gender issues, all add to the list of personal anxieties.
Good question! Why do they have all these anxieties? In short, they were taught to be anxious.
Most children are taught to be conscious about their looks. They are praised when they look nice, pretty, handsome, well kept - and that's ok. They are also taught that they need to brush their hair and teeth, wash their face - and that's ok too - in fact that's essential.
Being told they look scruffy, messy, dirty, or unhygienic, is where the damage starts. If it was said in a derogatory tone, shaming them into being clean and tidy, or blaming them for messing up their clean clothes - it likely stuck with their subconscious that they shouldn't feel judged. They believe this will happen again and again - because that's what grown ups do. They learn that life is about avoiding judgement! That's where anxiety stems from.
Apply this in schools with teens being judged for standing out of line, or being late for lessons. Being told they don't have their shirt buttoned up properly or tie on straight. It all adds up on top of parental judgement. Add in their own low self-worth when they're mocked for asking questions or speaking up. Then there's the fear of answering questions, and being told they are wrong. For the class laughing at them. What about the homework results that are read out to the whole class - and they're in the bottom results yet again. Or even at the top, and other children judge out of jealousy.
Lastly, there's judgment from peers. At home from siblings, in family settings from other extended family, and in school from classmates and worst of all - close friends. There's nothing more anxiety driving that being bullied at school or being ousted by friends who judge, control, and manipulate. Of course at their age, they are not aware of the 'abuse' this puts on them. They are not aware that some so-called friends are not true friends. Even those with close friends, still face all the other anxiety above, and from the people around them at all times.
Well, you would like to think so, but there's a great deal to consider there too. They are facing all the following challenges and more, when going through teens from the age of 13 - 19 years old:
Address each of these and find out their anxiety levels of each:
This may include the following for MANY teenagers:
Abuse types (physical, verbal, sexual, self-abuse, blackmail, coercion, control, financial, health - such as Munchhausen's - and more). This list is not exhaustive, and yet sadly gives a clear idea of what many teenagers lives are truly like. A far cry from the idealistic picture painted by society - leaving many feeling low self-worth, unable to fit in, unloved, not listened to, and unvalued. Even as adults we need to feel valued.
To help any teenager or young adult, open up about their anxieties, fears and worries, they need a Safe Space for Talking. Safe Space it not a physical location as much as an opportunity to speak without fear of judgement. You can learn more about this in my online course at https://kayreeve.co.uk/courses/
When talking about emotions, it helps to recognise that every emotion is 'telling us something'. Teens rarely understand this, and only see anxiety as an unpleasant feeling that never seems to go away. They think anxiety presents at every opportunity, and seems to have no purpose other than making them feel bad about themselves. When talking to adults about their anxiety, teens are often told it's normal - everyone gets anxiety! This narrative is NOT helpful. All that can change, starting here!
YES everyone does get anxiety but they don't have to live with it persistently. It's not necessary to live with all that anxiety when they could be feeling happy, confident and motivated instead.
First of all, recognising that an emotion is there to help us learn something, starts to turn their avoidance into curiosity. Being curious about something can quickly open up conversation and have them seeking answers instead of spiraling deeper. There is however an art to understanding what those pesky feelings and emotions mean. This one is easier to address by taking my FREE Emotional Cycle Intro course. In just 10 minutes, you can help change a teenagers' life, by working through this with them, and talking about their emotions with true understanding from them that emotions have a pattern and a purpose.
Emotional Cycle Intro FREE online course for parenting teens and young adults.
Discover the power of a simple visual tool for emotional learning, in neurodivergent teens and young adults, and the tools for talking about emotions.
Once you and your teenager, or young adults that you are supporting, have understood the basics of the Emotional Cycle, it is time to find the cause of their current anxiety first. Acknowledge their strength in speaking about it. Work through a list of all the reasons they feel anxious. Ask them written down the list on paper, or help them by writing, as they talk. Now they can see what was in their head, objectively.
Looking at each anxiety and the cause, talk to them about why they felt that way in the first place. For example being late for the bus. If the anxiety was about being late, that was the cause. Now look for the root cause.
These are some helpful question to start with. Always avoid pressuring them to answer. This is about them being able to speak, and never about your needs or emotions.
Remember to hold 'Safe Space' throughout all the conversation.
Now you have an idea where there anxieties are coming from, it is time to talk about what happens if they encounter this situation again. It is time to 'equip them' with the 'tools' for managing their own emotions.
Again, keeping 'Safe Space' never give orders on how to handle something as that adds to the anxiety of failing you if they don't achieve it. Give them examples of how THEY could approach it. Talk through possible solutions and let them make the ultimate decision on which solution FEELS right for them.
Let them know that it's all 'learning' and it may take some practice and adjustments to learn new ways of processing daily life, that removes their anxieties, but with determination and repetition of safe space conversations, they will get there.
If you are able to work through multiple issues with them and support them long term, check out my book Brain Unchained on Kindle: Brain Unchained
If after talking through things, the teenager or young adult is still suffering high anxiety, there many be some other underlying issues such as diet, smoking or substance abuse, medications, or unresolved trauma. If any of these are present, seek further help from the right professionals. These types of anxiety tend not to resolve themselves through talking to a parent, teacher, or manager.
Teenage anxiety is happening for a reason. Teens are not equipped with the mental or social skills to resolve anxiety them self. You may have been unwittingly adding to it, and YOU have the power to help them create lasting change, starting here.
