One of the hardest challenges in times of low mental health, is knowing how to improve self-esteem. Especially when you're feeling knocked back by life and circumstances. Low self-esteem takes your mind away from achieving basic tasks, let alone dreaming of success.
One of the main reasons for practicing mindfulness, is to be in the present. To be aware of the here and now. To be at one with yourself instead of standing in one place with your head somewhere different. So how can you use Mindfulness help improve self-esteem?
I was planning to launch my second book Darker than Dark, which is a beautiful mindfulness photo book. I was thinking about where to begin with my own voice as an author. After spending several years talking from the point of a parent, and emotional awareness, I needed to find a voice that includes everyone, and brings more focus onto mindfulness and emotional wellbeing in general. I felt confused by this shift.
I thought and thought. What better way to begin than with self-awareness, and self-talk.
Taking time to sit still and hear what's going on in your own inner-voice, can be a very beneficial form of mindfulness. By starting with awareness of what is being felt, thought and experienced in your own mind and body, you can start to recognise what you are happy with, and what you want to develop. Notice the physical feelings when you think negatively, and how you feel when you think positive things.
Now you have an idea of where you want to begin, you will need some strategies for making the changes and creating personal growth.
Self-talk is strongly built into every culture, and becomes a key part of every individual, but in some countries and cultures it can lead to a lot of negative self-talk. That's before adding the influence of generations. Frequently repeated sayings can become a family inheritance of thoughts, feelings and behaviours that are instilled from young.
Then comes all the drama and trauma that builds walls throughout life. Keeping sight of your true self can be really hard. No wonder those negative feelings creep in and your self-esteem drops through the floor. This in turn affects your emotional wellbeing, and long term, maybe your mental health too.
I am well aware that I too have fallen into this void. I've had people tell me so many times "Don't knock yourself down." I have been guilty of knocking myself down out of negative habits. This comes from years of external influence. I have been called up on it by friends and colleagues too often.
It was when I was in my 40's, I found myself working with a Norwegian company. Their culture around self-talk is incredibly positive compared to the British Culture. I wasn't even aware how bad my own negative self-talk was till other adults started asking me "Why do you do that to yourself?". It was a culture shock, but one that shook me up in a good way.
The self-talk that we 'absorb' from family, school, work, dreadful journalism, and all the 'click-bait-titles' of social media and advertising, can become such an innate part of your personality without you even realising it. It can then become hard to let go of that negative self-talk, that creeps in over the years. Then when your self-esteem is too low, all those people you listened to, don't want to listen to you.
I read an incredible book in 2020, called What to Say when you Talk to Yourself. This book above all, made me realise, that despite all the effort to use more positive language in many ways, I had a lot to work on. Having worked on my own personal development for over 20 years, there were many phrases that I still used - even as an inner voice - that were harming my own self-esteem.
One example is above: I originally typed 'change is never impossible' before realising there was a better way to say it as 'change is always possible'.
It really can be that subtle with self-talk. It means the same but the feelings behind those two phrases are very different. Read them out loud and see how each one feels.
'Change is never impossible' 'Change is always possible'
I worked hard to improve these phrases and self talk. I then suffered a medical setback that triggered burnout, executive function shut-down, and depression. This time it was deeper than I've ever experienced it before.
All that progress fell back into low self-esteem, feeling useless, unwanted and unlovable. My negative self-talk took over again. I worked on my self-talk again, lost it again. The progress of improving self-talk is not a linear path. It's a journey that zooms in and out, with squiggles and curves. Basically, it feels messy, but guess what? That is ok! Part of self-talk is reminding yourself that any progress is positive.
It is only in 2023 as my depression is leaving - and I'm waving merrily as it goes - that I have started to see a positive change once again. I've noticed how I catch myself, and work on my own self talk again more naturally. My positive self-talk finally wants to be the 'shiny mirror' version of me, and not that 'broken mirror' that nobody else wants to see.
Having launched my second book Darker than Dark - a colour filled journey of mindfulness, I have now seen my inner voice change for the better as I worked through the publishing process.
As I improved my self-esteem, I was inspired to create a journal for keeping track of all the amazing moment of life. A journal that could be positive thoughts only. A journal to read back and help improve your self-esteem on low days, or maintain it on good days. And so came My Journal the Gold Moments just days after Darker than Dark.
From the ashes of my own self-esteem issues, came this beautiful memory journal.
There are some days still that my broken side still pops out and kicks me to the curb. That's ok as long as I keep looking in the mirror and talking positively to myself. This help the cracks disappear one at a time and everything is ok. I am enough.
Why do we talk to ourselves the way we wouldn't talk to a friend? Knocking yourself back verbally is not a good way to improve self-esteem.
A good way to work around this, is to talk to yourself in a mirror. Think of it like looking at a friend and giving them positive praise or advice. You become your own friend and advisor through the mirror.
When you feel like your self-talk mirror is broken, write down the key things you currently say about yourself. It may not be positive yet but let's work on that. Everything is changeable.
Take a little time to reflect on how you can change one saying at a time. What is the key word that makes the saying negative? What words can you use instead?
Once you have your 'new saying' go back to the mirror. Say the old phrase once, then the new phrase at least three times. Notice the feelings in your body as you say each. Enjoy the upgraded emotions as you share a little self-love through your new self-talk phrases.
Rewrite each self-talk sentence, making it as positive as you possibly can. Keep going and keep it real to you. It can be hard to really believe the new phrases when you change your self talk. If needed, write it in several stages, and work your way up. For example:
I'm useless at writing.
I'm ok at writing.
I'm good at writing.
I'm an amazing writer.
Keep the self-talk going daily. One day you will catch yourself using the new phrase naturally, and you will smile inside as you do. When you work on your own self-talk this way, you will spend less time worrying about what other people say about you. You will spend more time knowing - you are enough. That's what self-esteem is all about.
