As I sat on my sofa in March 2022, it was a bright enough day but I had already been fighting my own depression for over a year. It seemed like there was no way forward, so the only things I had attached any meanings to, were all in the past, while the present seemed incredibly empty.
I couldn't put on the radio as songs triggered me. The T.V. wouldn't distract me any more from the relentless thoughts, and nothing else seemed to lift my spirits despite every effort to seek help. Even the medication wasn't helping at this point, actually making things worse. Now I had essential tremors too.
I tried a third type of antidepressant soon after, in April 2022. The tears stopped and healing finally began but the antidepressants don't do all the work. They get the process started but the rest was up to me.
Today seemed to be the only day that existed. There was no tomorrow, let alone a future. It felt like living that same miserable day over and over where I could see nothing ahead. I could only see the past which brought pain, tears, loss and rejection.
I had told myself many times that 'this was rock bottom' and life would get better, but it didn't. It seems I was doomed to go all the way, till I truly knew - this day was as rock bottom as I would go. This was when I saw that place that was Darker than Dark.
I sat in my sunlit room and watched as strangers walked by in my mind, knowing they were going. They were walking to a place of no return. I just stood there, with this feeling of impending doom, knowing that I felt - what they felt. I was sitting in my own darker than dark vision in depression.
I knew that feeling that was driving them forwards, while I just stood there and watched. I was in that same space mentally that so many others have been... in depression. Yet I knew despite temptation, that it wasn't my day to follow them into the darkness.
In this moment, I had a second sense, or an unheard voice like a telepathic message. It was telling me to come back and share the message. At first I wasn't sure how to put it into words.
Somehow I knew this message was to explain that when you find yourself in that really dark place - Stop! Don't follow the others. It's ok to be there and let your emotions process, but don't go any further. You can still turn around.
Don't walk, jump, or move. Just be still, and observe. Acknowledge that this is your rock bottom moment, and that turning back is the best option, even if you don't know why yet.
I knew that the journey back would be long, like the journey that took me there. Somehow I knew it was worth it even though I didn't yet know why.
I had the knowledge from my first book 'Brain Unchained' after helping my son through years of depression. I knew about the emotional cycle and what the map of if looked like. I knew where I was on that map. I was in the black, and at the very bottom of the cycle. That diagram helped me understand that darkness, and why I was seeing it. I also guided me to find my way out of the darkness.
Several weeks later the message was still weighing me down when I finally converted the message into words. It was a sudden inspiration and I rushed to grab my tablet and start typing. I was inspired to write it as a poem called Darker than Dark.
The following day inspiration hit again. I began writing about recovery from my darker than dark vision. It was a recovery I had yet to make, but it was laying out my path forward. I was setting the intent to recover. The intent to find colour again in the poem called Leaving than Dark.
Late in 2022, I finally found enough clarity of mind to put the two poems with a collection of my own photographs, to create my new book - Darker than Dark
Although the poem begins in that darkest of moments, the book is a beautiful journey of growing colour and inspiration. It shares hope and vision to keep going.
After the poems I added more of my favourite photos from my rather large collection, and added writing about how to use each photo for mindfulness. Because a few moments of using mindfulness techniques was sometimes all I could manage during depression. Yet the more I did it, the more it helped.
As I focused on sharing my journey, it helped me heal, one small bit at a time.
Some days I could only focus for ten minutes, then twenty, till I could finally sit for six hours one weekend, and voila - the book was created.
Now available in paperback, hardback and Kindle, I hope this book can help you find mindfulness, and add colour to even your brightest of days, or bring hope on the darker days.
May your life be a colour-filled journey of mindfulness too.
