I love the quote 'Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.' The same applies to mother and mum. This says so much about how children, teenagers and young adults, appreciate and want the values you bring to the relationship. Every child wants amazing parents.
Many fathers grow and nurture that relationship with care. They have outings, watch TV together, go to sports games and much more. Sadly not all children get the same chances. Some children get shouted at, ignored, left behind in break-ups, shared on weekends, or even abused. What effect does this have on both father and child?
I love that the quote highlights that - the best fathers are those that make the most effort. They learn and grow with their children. They never give up and are always there for them.
I witnessed my own son's emotional struggle growing up, feeling he could never be enough for his dad. He felt like a disappointment to him and they just didn't seem to understand each other in the way they wanted to.
It wasn't that his father didn't try, he just didn't know how to be the right father to a teenager with Asperger's, depression, and suicidal thoughts. It caused friction instead of understanding. This is all too common.
They get on great now and there are no hard feelings from my son, but it still pained me to see him grappling with that emotion of not feeling good enough as a child or teenager. That desperation to please, and the disappointment on his face when other people made that connection that he couldn't make with his own father.
To be totally honest, even I didn't know all the answers and I struggled so much to keep my son afloat emotionally. I comforted, reassured him, talked to him, helped him find strategies, and the same for my husband, but there was still friction.
This added stress to me, and to my relationship with both of them. It impacted my daughter too. My son seeing my daughter being a daddy's girl - made it even harder for him. He felt even more rejected. He truly felt the impact of the words Any man can be a father, when he wanted a dad he could feel close to.
I eventually devised a way to teach my son emotional awareness in a way that he could connect with it visually. This changed everything. My husband was not willing to learn, or adapt. My son had to. And he did it incredibly well.
When I eventually wrote my book about helping teenagers understand their own emotions, I took into account that many parents face the same struggles we did.
It's an age old story between families (with some exceptions) that mothers are called over protective, while fathers and sons argue, often resulting in split families. At times it results in children running away, drinking or taking drugs to numb the feelings of worthless, or even taking their own lives to escape permanently.
I know this is not the intention of any of these fathers, to drive their children to such measures. I know if they could, they would rather have that amazing relationship with their teenagers where they can sit and chat by the fishing lake, or over a game of football, or be able to have an honest conversation with their daughter without sounding like a dictator refusing them the right to go to the ball.
Men generally associate with tools for fixing things, but when it comes to teens - What tools do you use? Taking all this into account I know that depression, stress and anxiety will usually ease on both sides when parents and teenagers can talk again. That is why I included a Parent Toolbox tip at the end of every lesson in Brain Unchained. Now relationships CAN be fixed.
Just like the quote "Any man can be a father but it takes someone special to be a dad." I realise that so many fathers want to be that special dad. Sometimes dad's need a little extra support as much as their teenagers. Same goes for mums.
It's not about blame for anything that has happened so far. It's about what's next. About the action to take going forward, and the culture you bring to the relationship from here on. It's not about being a parent any more than it is about being a teenager.
Keeping things humble and creating a positive culture of growth, is about being humble. These are the qualities that have children looking up to any adult as their personal hero. These are the things that can turn any father into that special dad.
Even as a grandparent, your value still remains in growing and helping your children. You can still help them be the best parents possible to their children. Your experience is invaluable.
As a last thought to this fathering teens blog post, I found the following quote. It seems to sum everything up perfectly...
"I believe that what we become depends on what our fathers teach us at odd moments, when they aren't trying to teach us. We are formed by the little scraps of wisdoms."
Umberto Eco
Now my son has uses those little wisdoms to bond with his father and more importantly, with his own daughters. The benefits keep spreading.
